I remember...

I remember the fall sky with purples and pinks and blues, hiding under quiet clouds that seem an afterthought. The taste of autumn in the air. I remember the peace that was there, but only when I was alone and the entire world was just me, the woods, the marsh, the train, the sky and the dying sun. I remember itchy mosquito bites and fires and how everything seemed to be okay, only it wasn’t. I remember crying myself to sleep each night as their voices rose louder and louder, angrier and angrier, and in my mind . And then the terrible sobbing that tore me apart even more than the yelling.

And then I remember things I don’t want to. I remember the sickly sweet smell of beer on his breath as he towered over me. I remember not knowing what to do. I remember what it feels like to give up, to quit, to turn your back on all that you had lived for. I remember running, running....running forever.

I remember the first time I whispered into a dandelion, its seeds gently falling into the wind. They all flew away, leaving me standing with a dead ghost of the yellow flower it once was. I remember wishing I could be with the seeds for just a moment, that I could fall with them and I would never have to worry again about what I would see.

I remember when innocence was everywhere, and I was innocent except not at all. I remember my own delusion about what it was to be a child. I remember enough to know that they are not true, but I hold onto them with everything I can because they are all I have.